Survival of the Cartman
by pineapplefarmer
Summary: The South Park kids go on the Survivor game show. The epic ending, the fourth and final chapter is now up. R&R (PS: Sorry for the wait)
1. Cartman's Secret

Hello, and welcome to "Great pieces of literature". I am your host Hugh Gass. This next story that I will read to you is the greatest thing EVER written. It will make you want to throw out all of your other books, because after you read this you won't need to read anything else. On with the show…

I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK BUT I DO OWN THREE PAIRS OF GIRLS UNDERWEAR, IM A GIRL ON SUNDAYS!!!

Cartman was sitting in his room waiting for something to happen. His mom came up to his room and said:

"Honey-bunches, I'm going out for a while".

"OOOOOkay mom" he said back.

He waited for her to leave the house and then said:

"Its finally time. I've waited so long for this moment."

He walked over to his mother's room, looked in her droor. He took off his shirt in super-slow-mo and through it on the ground. He put on a bra, and then his mom's panties.

"Godamnit, this is a tight fit," he screamed.

He walked into his room. He had a safe. He opened the safe and pulled out his Hillary Duff CD that no one knew he had. He popped it into the CD player and started dancing in his mom's underwear.

MEANWHILE AT STAN'S HOUSE

Kyle, Stan and Kenny sat on Stan's couch.

"What do you wanna do, dude?" asked Stan.

"I don't know. We could go to the fatass' house, I guess," said Kyle.

They walked over to Cartman's house. They walked up to his door, and rang the doorbell.

"Ooooh, that must be my mail-order husband" Cartman said as he heard the ding.

He opened the door only to see Kyle, Stan and Kenny. All three of them burst into laughter.

"The fatass is dressed like a fatass girl!" screamed Kyle.

"Mmmmumblekmennv, haahhaa!" screamed Kenny.

Cartman slammed the door on them and ran to his couch. He turned on the TV and saw an add. The man on the TV said:

"We now have a special report from a midget in a bikini, midget".

"Yes, thank you. All you little girls get ready because Hillary Duff is coming to South Park!" said the midget.

Cartman's mouth dropped open.

"OH, Kick-ass" he screamed.

He ran to the door and yelled:

"You guys, you won't believe who's coming to South Park".

"Is it Floppy the Magic fire-breathing polka-dancing, beer-guzzling, flower-farting turtle?" screamed Stan.

"Goddamnit! Hillary Duff!" he yelled!

They burst into laughter. Kenny laughed so hard he pooped himself. The poop overflowed in his pants. It went up his shirt and into his mouth. He choked on his poop. He was dead, but the others couldn't stop laughing.

"I bet you want to see her, and play dolls, and dress up your butt as a pony," yelled Kyle.

"Shut up Jew-Boy, I'm going to see her, and I'm performing with her!" yelled Cartman.

And a determined Cartman walked down the street in his mother's underwear.

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Well, I hope you like it. It'll get better, I promise. Come back in a day or two to see the rest.


	2. The chapter after 1

Welcome back! I know chapter 1 wasn't that funny, but it gets better…

Cartman walked down the road. A limo passed by him.

"Onleh famous people drive limos," he said as a started chasing the limo.

Sure enough, inside the limo was Hillary Duff.

"Like, oh my gosh. What is that sound" she asked to the driver.

"Oh, sorry. I farted. Infact, I don't shower, I let animals go to the bathroom in the limo and I'm hiding cold, rotting dead bodies under the seats," he said.

"There's like some fat kid in a thong, like running, like, after, like, us. Like, like like." Hillary said.

"Goddamnit, wait" screamed Cartman.

"Like you should like pull over, like" said Hillary in a very serious tone.

The car stopped. Cartman jumped inside.

"Hillary, I've been your secret biggest fan for almost three days now and I love your music, especially the song where you sing horribly out of tune" he said.

"What, like, song is that" she asked.

"Duh, don't you know your own music. That's all of your songs. You sing horribly out of tune in all of your songs" he said.

"Like limo driver guy, through this fat child out. He has offended my like intelli-like-gence" Hillary said.

"Why don't you do it, since your so smart, and strong and independent" said the limo driver.

"I like will," she said as she through him out.

Cartman bounced on the ground and rolled down a hill.

"I have to perform with her," he yelled.

After the ride, Hillary was sitting with her manager in a room.

"Now, Hillary. For your next concert, I was thinking of doing some sort of military-theme. But the actual military turned us down with claims that they aren't retarted so we have to go with these bums I picked up off the street." Said the manager in an angry tone.

There stood (all dressed in camouflage uniforms, holding guns) Chef, Mr. Garrison (and Mr. Hat of coarse), Kenny's dad, Towlie and some twitchy guy.

"Well, like as long as like no one like asks me my like favourite like color. It's like private! Because us celebrities have it bad. We have millions of dollars, millions of people who would pay millions of dollars to see us, but we don't get everything we want. Just because I can buy everything I want, sometimes I question my reason of living. So, if you would all donate 100 million dollars to my "Help Hillary" fund I might feel a bit better, and I might go a few weeks without asking for more money" Hillary said.

Chef, Mr. Garrison, Kenny's dad, Towlie and some twitchy guy all shot her.

THE END

Just kidding, you thought that was the end. HAHAHA it was a joke. Well, the end of Hillary Duff, but the story, no. It gets better! So tune in next time for another episode of Snoopy doesn't save Christmas.


	3. Horrible News

Chapter three- Horrible News

Cartman went back to his house, a little sad that Hillary didn't like him.

"I must perform with her," he yelled.

His mother walked in the house.

"Perform with who Pookey? I'll perform with you. You know sweetie, the little dance you did when you were five." she said.

"Mom, I'm not a retard. I want to perform with Hilary Duff," said Cartman.

"Sounds pretty retarted to me," said his mom.

Cartman got changed and went to Stan's.

"Hey fatass, did you meet Hillary Cheese-Puff?" asked Stan.

"I did, and I'm gonna perform her song with her" said Cartman.

He sat on the couch where Kyle and Stan were watching TV. The man on the news said.

"This just in, Punk-Teens have popped the tires of an elderly women, and on a lighter note, Hillary Duff was killed. I feel terribly sorry for that women and her tires, don't you Jim?"

"Yes, it is a sad story. When will you heartless scum learn that that that elderly lady was a human being and might have enjoyed life? Now with her tires gone, her life won't be full anymore," said Jim, the other news reporter.

A TV add showed up:

"Welcome, to the 134, 234, 563rd edition of Survivor. Do you have what it takes? If you think so call 1800-this-show-is-fixed and leave your name, age and sexual prefrence and then send in a tape of someone giving birth and the 10 that gross us out the most will win a place on the show" said the Survivor voice-over guy.

"Oh, kick-ass. We could win a million dollars!" said Cartman.

"$643, 234 and forty-two cents you stupid fatass, the government takes some" said Kyle.

"I have three copies of Kenny's mom giving birth to him, but I don't know why, er yeah that's it." said Stan while shifting his eyes side to side.

That night, all three of them called in. Cartman was first.

"Uh, yes I am a young 8-year-old boy. I would like to try out for Survivor" he said.

"I'm sorry son, you're to young" said the man on the phone.

"Did I say eight, I meant 92" said Cartman.

"Well that's great, just send in your tape and we'll call you back if you win" said the man on the phone.

Sorry for the wait and I hoped you liked the chapter


	4. The epic ending

Cartman sat on his couch. Kyle sat in his room. Stan sat on his ass. In a world where one mistake can cause the end of the universe. Coming this fall, to theaters everywhere, sex, lies, passion, violence. Roger Ebert call it "the years most demented movie". Starring Dick-Head Jones, and Clint Eastwood. "Big hot Moon". Rated G.

Cartman's phone rang.

"Yes, hello. We need more seniors like you" said the man on the phone.

"Oh, kick-ass. I'm going on Survivor!" yelled Cartman.

He ran to Kyle's and Stan was already there. They both got the spot as well.

"It starts in three weeks. We should practise" yelled Stan.

"Ok, I know. The first one to get to China using only a unicycle as mode of transportaion wins!" said Cartman.

"Got to hell" said Kyle.

THREE WEEKS LATER.

"Welcome to Survivor, Pete, Julie, Samantha, Jessica, Penny, Janet, Big H.O.M.O, Stan, Kyle and Cartman. In the next month you will face great challenges overcome extremely hard obsticles, and stay in the luxery of that comfort Inn up the hill" said Jeff, the host.

"Stan, Cartman, Kyle, Penny and Jessica, you will be in the "Stupid Fatass" tribe. "Pete, Julie, Samantha, Janet and Big H.O.M.O, you will be in the "extremely good looking people" tribe.

LATER AT THE STUPID FATASS CAMP:

Penny, the overweight school nurse and Jessica the extrmely muscely gym teacher were trying to make fire.

"No, you guys are supposed to use this lighter fule I found in the camera man's basket" said Cartman.

"I always knew that Penny had a thing for me. Ever since day 1" said Stan to the secret camera.

THE FIRST REWARD CHALLENGE

"Welcome, Stupid Fatass' tribe, extemely good lookings! In this challenge, you will have to strip down to music and dance around this gold pole, for peanut butter. Cartman, you're first now off with those pants" said Jeff.

"Oh, this is dumb" said Cartman.

He stripped off his clothes and spun around the pole, that left Jeff sweating.

"Your tribe wins this cooler full of wet saggy doritos and immunity" said Jeff.

"Oh, hell, Cartman you win" said jeff.

AND CARTMAN DIVED NUDE INTO THE WATER…

THE END!

I know I made you all wait for that terrible chapter, and you probably all hated the ending but I have bad writers block.


End file.
